Wednesday, November 23, 2011


30 Rules for Thanksgiving Touch Football from Jason Gay in the WSJ.
  1. It’s touch if you have a healthy, speaking relationship with your family. Its tackle (without Skwoosh gel pads) if you see each other once a year.
  2. Keep the field size small, less than 100 yards long. If half the people in your family ran 100 yards they’d end up in the hospital.
  3. Play before dinner. There will be no players available after dinner. Nobody can run in unbuttoned pants.
  4. Everyone plays, parents, grandparents, uncles, cousins even Spot, the one eyed terrier. Spot’s the best wide receiver on the field (when he’s not cuddled up and napping on a gel office cushion).
  5. The following are prohibited: spikes, sticky gloves, Smith jerseys, lit cigars and running with a martini. No Therapy gel cushions for protection allowed.
  6. A Nerf ball is okay but a real leather football is classic. We’re waiting for a leather covered gel motorcycle seat.
  7. No Frisbees, winged footballs or soft, lightweight gel travel cushions allowed.
  8. Two hand touch is required.  One hand touch is for lazy folks who celebrate Thanksgiving at KFC.
  9. Gay says two completions is a first down. He knows.
  10. Save the taunting, cursing and back-handed compliments for the dinner table.
  11. Playing in most of the country comes with “skwooshy” cold mud  inviting a family member to fall and ruin his or her Thanksgiving outfit. No penalty just one of the highlights of the game (Skwoosh washes easily).
  12. Don’t baby the kids even your 7-year-old niece. It’s OK to intercept her pass and run it back for a touchdown. She has to learn when not to throw into triple coverage.
  13. The count is five “Mississippi” a FULL four syllables not a quick “MISS-IPPY” and knocking gramps to the ground.
  14. If you’re old enough to have grandchildren and you sack the quarter back and you do a sack dance you will be worshipped forever.
  15. No, you don’t get to be “permanent QB” if you want anyone to like you.
  16. No show-off football lingo like “trips left” or “zone blitz”. Uncle Earl wants to get the game over with, have a vodka and watch the game on TV sitting on his All Purpose Gel cushion from Skwoosh.
  17. With the control freak uncle just listen to the elaborate plays and forget them ASAP.
  18. There are only two plays in the game, “Everybody Go Out” and Everybody Go Deep”.
  19. No, that running play never works. Ever.
  20. QB’s be sure not to throw the ball too hard when you think you see an opening. Guaranteed you’ll peg Aunt Francis in the neck.
  21.  Don’t be a wimp. A little pass interference never hurt anyone.
  22. After you throw six interceptions let someone else play QB or sign with the Redskins.
  23. Three-minute half time. Remember: if Daddy sits, Daddy is done.
  24. If playing on the street, don’t dent the powder blue Cadillac. It belongs to Uncle Guido’s new wife and he’ll find you.
  25. If you’re a Thanksgiving guest it’s your job to be good at touch football. Lie and say you played a little at OSU.
  26. Punts are the hippopotamuses of touch football. Botched punts break more windows and dent more cars than any other play in the game.
  27. If it snows while sitting in the bleacher seats the game’s a classic.
  28. Be careful. You don’t want any injuries that can’t be treated with a bag of frozen peas and a SKWOOSH Gel Acupressure Pad.
  29. If your team wins and stands undefeated please let LSU know that you’re available to play in the BCS championship.
  30. In the end there is really only one rule for Thanksgiving touch football. Take your shoes off before you go in the house or Mom is going to kill you.

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